My delirium

It’s only been 4 days. It’s felt like a year. And that’s a good thing I’m thinking because I swear time stops when I’m with you. You still make me nervous and when I hear about any of your others I feel a deep pain in my chest. Sometimes I ask myself why do I still hang on to you? Why do I still love you? Because you simply make me happy, and you make me smile. You kiss me like you mean it and you hold me tight. I feel safe when I’m with you and I feel comfortable and it feels right. and before when you’ve left me I’ve always felt so empty, but you’ve always come back.

And sometimes I’m never sure if it’s the right reason but it must be, right? I want to marry you. I want to wake up next to you every day I can. I want to make you take our kids to school early in the morning when I’m too lazy to do it myself. I want to pick out colors to paint our walls with in our house. I want to stay up late nights reading you poetry and showing you my writing. I want you to be the first person I tell when I publish a book and I hit an amazing number of sells. I want every aspect of life with you. I want you to be here when I lose the people in my family because I know you can share the silence when I need it. I want you to be the one to hold my feet in the winter when it’s cold, and tease me about wearing sweaters or jeans in the summer. I want to argue with you about stupid things that we’ll kiss and be over in a matter of 5 mins. I want to sit on the toilet pooping and talk to you while you take showers and make you desserts when your sad and buy you cheez itz when you’ve had a bad day. I don’t know any other way to tell you how much I love you and want to be with you. I only hope you’ll want me when I’m ready to take you up on the chance to make things right. I hope you won’t be in love with someone else, or be happier without me by your side. I’m in love with you and I want nothing more to heal and to love and be with you better than we’ve ever been before. I have this vision in my head of how great it can be. I just want it all to be great. And I know life isn’t perfect, and things fall apart and people leave and fall out of love but we aren’t those people because we aren’t fate or destiny or even chance. We choose to be, we believe in us and we fight for us and we love for us. We’ve hurt each other we’ve lied and cried but we fix it, and we move on. I think is choosing is stronger than any kind of fate or destiny . It’s magical, it’s something I don’t even know if I have a word for it. it’s you. precious. I love you.


“The deadliest of all deadly things: it kills you both when you have it and when you don’t”

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How to love

We love differently, and that has been a huge adjustment for me.

We all do. No one loves in the same way, similar but never the same.

You say and do a lot but in different manners.

I don’t know how you love, not yet.

The hardest decision

I figured out today, that my love and I are not one in the same.

My love doesn’t exist in my body, it exists around someone else

It exists in a place where I have to choose to be

I don’t know if I should choose my love or me

Choosing one sets the other on fire

learning to love

I don’t really know what a healthy relationship is,

Because the men in my life, don’t always treat their women the way they would want someone to treat me.

Therefore I am on my own. I have to figure out what I am supposed to tolerate how I should let someone make me feel or if I should let anyone make me feel.

How I should let someone make me feel or if I should let anyone make me feel.

Relationships are so much harder when you don’t have concrete examples to help you just get by.

My love & my memory

Of all the letters and flowers we had given and thrown away.

My memory serves me better than they ever could.

Love is not something you forget.

Love is what makes us healthy.

My love is what keeps me breathing

It is my oxygen tank, but no I don’t carry it.

It floats on its own, because that’s how strong my love is.

you get me

I want to cry when I think about the way you look at me

You still accept me, not just for who I am but the way I look

The stretch marks I have on my hips and ass

The scars I have from my hips to my thighs

The three fat rolls on my back, and you kiss me with my morning breath

flannel w/ the rip

I’ve never felt love from a flannel

I was in my room naked and I needed you

I saw this flannel I took from your room and put it on

and the way it fits, feels like you

I feel your love, your kiss, your hug and your smell

I’m alone but I’m loved

you kiss me like I might break

and maybe your lips are right

maybe I will break, but as long as it’s in your arms

swu

I know when you’re asleep, you’re asleep

but the moments before you are

are precious

cause I can feel you holding me,

even in your sleep

and in the middle of the night

when you turned around I followed

and held you

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